Regrets

WARNING. THIS ARTICLE MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WITH A DELICATE DISPOSITION. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE.

I have regrets – lots of them, big ones too! But they say (whoever ‘they’ are) that “You shouldn’t have regrets”. I disagree.

We use the term ‘regret’ in a couple of ways. We might ‘send our regrets’ to a friend who suffers a loss, or regret that the storm washed away the garden. But these aren’t real regrets, they’re just reactions – expressions of emotion – to situations beyond our control. Real regrets are personal. Real regrets recognise personal responsibility.

“If only I had asked that person out on a date”

“If only I hadn’t said/done what I did”

“If only I stayed in that job/left for that other job”

“If only I had chosen X over Y”

“If only… if only… if only…”

Real regrets are about you. They are about your choices, your decisions, the actions you did or didn’t take. It’s hard to face your regrets. Yes, things went wrong. Situations turned bad. People got hurt. And it was your fault. To face your regrets, you’ve got to admit failure, weakness, cowardice, fragility, deficiency, shortcomings, and countless other flaws in your character. That’s tough to do! You must develop mental strength to be able to do that. It takes strength of character to admit personal responsibility for bad situations that you caused and to be accountable for your shortcomings.

But here’s the thing about regrets. The “if only” bit assumes you know what would have happened if you did something differently. That “if only” bit comes from who you are now – the version of you that came from not doing the “if only”. It’s retrospective. In that respect, regrets are nonsensical. The truth is, even if you had made a different decision or done something differently, you can’t know for sure how things would have turned out. But that still doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility of how badly things did turn out. To say, “You/I shouldn’t have regrets” is a weak option. It’s to deny responsibility.

But if you do have the strength of mind to take full responsibility for your choices, decisions and actions, you tap into an immensely valuable source of insight, strength, wisdom, power, and growth. If you have the power to think critically and rationally, regrets will motivate and strengthen you beyond your dreams. But it’s not easy.

So yes, I have regrets. Lots of them – and some big scary ones too. When I’m reminded of them, they hurt… a lot. But I treasure them. They keep me strong. They remind me to do the right thing, the honest thing, the honourable thing. My regrets give me clarity, purpose and value. My regrets drive a lot of what I do. Yes, they are a heavy weight to constantly bear, but without them I wouldn’t be who I am now – and I can honestly say I really like who I am now.

If you have the strength to face your regrets and not make excuses for them, your regrets will liberate you. But I’ll repeat my warning: it’s not easy. Coaching has helped me on this journey, and it can help you too. If you want me as your coach towards liking yourself and your life more, contact me now.